Levels - That’s how I experience other humans.
Yes, I’m a 44 year old experiencing a second adolescence. So I’m just as goofy as I am deep and brooding and existential and unfortunately, I’m still human, with, ugh…feelings.
Though this list of levels seems weird at first glance, these levels are universal. I’m not the only relationship-hunting weirdo that can see them.
I can operate in one or more, simultaneously, consecutively, plurally…etc.
But the DREAM is to have it all happen with someone in a perfect straight line and end up PFL (Partners for Life), which never happens. Ever. Well…It hasn’t. Yet.
I function in any and all of these while keeping the dream in the back of my mind. Is that weird? I ask because I’ve been called out as such and, as is my nature, I am overanalyzing this and adding it to some dialogue I’m writing.
Scene: that actual argument…in the context of 4 people at brunch taking the saddest one through the levels of love that are universally believed to exist. And the one being helped to see these levels better was just dumped at Level 3. Then the convo gets really good, because they debate on what the levels are and what should be included in them.
Thinking of love in levels is helpful to seeing your relationship blind spots.
I find it logical and healthy to have these levels in my mind - but I could be wrong.
Maybe the humans are more complex than a list like this… the sort of beings that weave around levels and make them overlap too much.
But maybe some of the humans think of levels as singularly as I do.
Surely some do. Of course they do. You do. We do.
Right?
…see, it’s right here were my brain auto-calculates too many questions…
*Singularity questions…
*Mind rambles…
*Coupling, juggling or balancing…
*Being single should be fun, right?
*Why can’t I try for the dream AND have fun?
*Alone ain’t always lonely
*Being in a thing ain’t always the right connection
*Who is right for whom
*Extensions of the past or creating a new future, what is the better relationship focus?
*Have I evolved enough to create a relationship with someone different than me? Shouldn't I try?
*”Red and white wine. I like wine, not the label. Does that make sense?” -perfect quote from Schitt’s Creek.
*Tasha can’t compute all the rules
*She may be a cyborg
She’s still in therapy dealing with all the ‘should’ and ‘rights’ and wrongs’ and how to try to not hurt and be hurt.
But she knows she’s not the only one.
Don’t we all do this?
Sometimes we just don’t know how to verbalize it, though, right?
Don’t we all feel each of these levels and the anguish with each - expecting the other person to announce their upgrade timetable for the next level up, when sometimes, we don’t even know where WE are with things?
Isn’t it true that you can think you want a certain level with someone and see something about them that makes you change your mind?
Isn’t it ALSO EQUALLY TRUE that you can see something IN YOURSELF that makes you pivot, about face, 180?
And, your pulling back is going to hurt them, if you do it in the middle of making upgrading efforts, right - sort of inevitable? But doesn’t this COME WITH TRYING?
I KNOW we all want to believe this communication responsibility is easier than it is…in every effort we make toward a high level in a relationship, we should be clear and infallible in our words, i.e. we did everythingwe said we would.
Ideal world. We are poignant and open at all times - preparing the other in advance and at all proper times for all of our next moves, even if we don’t know what they will be - or when - or to what degree.
I would like to know who achieves this without hurting anyone…i.e. no basically good human WANTS to hurt another on purpose. You out there, getting this right…you are a magic being. No human I know is that self aware. You must be a cyborg.
But we are ALL hurt people. So, we all HURT people.
We can try and try to not want to hurt another and still do it.
As we try to go from level to level with another human,
…when we try in our own quirky way (the way that makes us feel emotionally safe)
…when we don’t try as fast as they try or in their same style/love language (because their emotional safety may come from different things than what we need, and we may still be learning what we need)
…when we don’t align with them when they need to see and feel it (and they doubt you’ve ever tried for real)
…when we desperately need to feel them align with us and they’re oblivious, but still, they are well-meaning, lovely beings you want to keep trying with (but your emotional needs take over and you can’t keep going)
Basically, all relationships are potential shit-shows…and we still try them all!
My Levels (and I am more than sure they are the same as yours):
Love has levels. We all know this to be true.
Acquaintanceship (A) - I just met you. I appreciate something about you, you seemingly nice human, and found a thing about you in particular that I like, but I don’t know your life. Let’s grab a coffee. Text me.
Friendship (F) - Always dependent on that ‘thing’ from Level A - it’s something that brings my life some joy. You graduated. I know a bit more of your life now and my liking you grows each time we hang. I wanna hang out some more - wanna figure out what else I see. I want your Level A ‘thing’ sprinkled into my existence regularly (that sounded better in my head…). Some folks stay here for years and it’s so good for me and my Fs…works VERY well for folks with big goals and a busy life, averse to drama. Usually, we’re all pushing/reaching for something (usually that’s that ‘thing’).
Deep Friendship (DF-BFF) - Always dependent on Level F. You know my life and you like me too. We are solid homies and can live right here with each other forever. Most who make it here do - no reason for going further - this is good. We like enough about each other that we can have a scary conversation or a disagreement and after that have a glass of wine or cup of tea and watch a movie and make plans for next week with no side eye and say ‘Love ya’ and really, truly mean it. And I openly communicate and feel deep love for my DF-BFFs - they mean EVERYTHING to me and are great for my life.
Uh-oh (UO) - Honestly, this can be a branch off from Levels A, F or DF. Now, something switched on because I found you cute (‘Uh-oh territory cute’) day one, as in on acquaintance day...just didn’t say anything. Various reasons why and how for the uh-oh, but this is when benefits are sparked, created, negotiated and become…ahem…operative. Totally reversible…for me, to any of the prior levels from which it branched. (This makes me a completely unbearable bastard for LOTS of people! LOL) If the switch just turned on…if I just found the switch, I can turn it on and off and go back to DF or F or even A…JS.
Steady (St) - Level UO dependent, and it is VERY HEAVILY influenced by it’s prior branch - i.e. if we went from F to UO, steady is slower, and if we went from DF-BFF to Uh-oh, steady is smooth and feels like this is where we should have been. Okay so, now in Steady-town, there are regular things…ahem…happening - CO-operatively. Cool. Guess what else makes me unbearable? I can switch back from here or forever live here too. Still don’t know why it makes me horrible - but que sera, sera. Oh yeah, and I will be stealth with steady…because it’s here when I can consider an upgrade and need to try a few things to see if an upgrade is where I want to go next. AHA - okay. I see why I’m hated for this sometimes…the other side sees me try and thinks we’ve already…oh. Okay. Got it. I got it.
Romantic (Ro) - This is Steady, multiplied by DF + passion, divided by similar life goals. BIG UPGRADE and since DF-BFF is a must, this is super scary in my book when it goes from DF-BFF to Uh-oh-to Steady to here. Why? Because DF-BFFs are special. This is usually the level that can ruin ever going back to DF-BFF if it is attempted and doesn’t work with what we try. I throw all the spaghetti on the wall if I get here, though…butterflies and scary plans…because the DF part of this makes it inherently deep. Now, I’m letting you know where the ‘bodies’ are buried, bringing you up in therapy, and not only do we know each other’s lives, we are IN each other’s lives and trying to align them to solidify a deeper DF and steady-steady because that’s what make this level grow. A walking, goofy, happy, cream-puff-in-stuff…that’s me when I’m right here. (sigh) As long as nothing occurs in this stage that misaligns with my life goals and emotional needs…I say, let’s keep it pushing! (Now, the DREAM is top of mind.)
Partners for Life (PFL aka the DREAM) - All of the above has taken place and now I know that I can live with you. Life flow. Nurturing a soft place to land with a flow that feels like breathing and singing a song. One of us will whisper fragment sentences and the other will either finish it or already be doing the thing. No old story - no one leads the other - no dominants and submissive folks in this - everyone does all the things it takes to live a good life, we just do them side by side, which makes the DF-BFF part deeper, like ‘ride-or-die’ deep. We take care of each other in a way NEWER than all that we’ve seen…nothing we do is by tradition, though we hold so much joy for each other, you’d think we were cheesy, Disney-story rejects, we’re so sappy. We see ourselves and we see each other. Expectations are discussed and they’re not those sneaky ‘one-way’ kind of expectations, they apply ALL AROUND. Feelings are seen and had - all of them - and safe to express - with no disrespect, name calling, drudging up old traumas, hovering pasts, and the blending creates a new way to be. We brought whole people to it and saw all of the parts and built a whole new thing that INCLUDES the whole of those people in it. An undefinable, uncontainable blend of all things old love and new world. Achieving this demands so much work on our individual selves, alone time is built in, so the self is never lost…and we keep growing and seeing the other one grow and loving that growth and, man, I just...I’m…I’m here for all of this. PFL. That’s it. That’s the dream.
Question - for the young folks out there…where would ‘cuffing’ come in? Is it a couple of these or in between some or, what? I’m so confused. Been accused of it and I just want to get the facts straight with those who know! LOL
Question for all - when can friends operate with benefits? Should they? If friendship is foundational to the rest, then…WON’T they? I get the fear - loss of your DF-BFF - but I’m confused by those who think this should NEVER happen.
And - what if you try, like REALLY try, but pull back. Does it mean it wasn’t ever real? So, what made you try? What did you see? Was it really there? Were you wrong to try without knowing for sure? Who knows for sure? How do THEY know for sure? What part of human adulting (…and I’ve done a LOT already…) haven’t I done yet to get whatever that is that THEY have that makes THEM KNOW for sure? I mean…Is knowing for sure a myth? Are some folks saying they knew for sure and deep down didn’t? Is that a factor in the divorce rate?
If you work the same long hours, shouldn’t the first one home order take out for dinner? Just saying…
~T