To find out if you’re gay, read and answer the questions below and then hit the button to get your answer.
PLEASE NOTE: These questions were written with my own authority and were made to sound quite official and scientificky, so this test is obviously the most accurate test you’ll find anywhere in the world.
Ready?
Do you daydream about a same-sex crush in a, we’ll be classy and say, romantic position?
Do you have these same daydreams at night?
Are you living within, and/or conditioned by, a culture that has the dominant thought that this is bad, and if so, does it make you feel ashamed about these dreams?
Have you, in the last 5 years, had a, we’ll keep our dignity here and call it, an ‘intimate moment’, with a friend and have you since attributed the sexy moment to above-average consumption of alcohol or recreational drugs? If so, how many times have you done this? Was it more than 3 times? Was it last week? Are you at their house right now?
Do you want a cat?
Do you want a small, toy-sized dog?
Do you think of pets as children? Seriously, do you?
Do you intend to (or have you already) bought a wardrobe for your pet and demand they wear these items in public? And if so, does your pet still like you?
Have you denied yourself the joys of owning a pet altogether to make space in your life for regular trips to Home Depot and weekend construction projects?
Same question as above, but for regular trips to obscure house decor shops and interior design projects?
Do you use the queerest choices available on dating websites and apps?
When meeting up with the person from the app/site, if they are the same sex, do you go somewhere your friends won’t see you for your dates?
If you stumble upon a friend, family member, coworker or boss while on one of these dates, do you immediately start to perspire in one or more of the following areas:
forehead
palms
neck
back
armpit
inner buttock
Do you belong to a wine club? Wait a minute…
Do you buy wine from Costco? Rephrase…
Do you buy wine regularly? Rephrase…
Do you buy wine in bulk regularly?
Are you scared of being too vulnerable in front of your family at Thanksgiving? And if so, have you started avoiding your family when you feel you are living your best life/feeling your boldest?
Do coming-out stories make you cry?
For those with Queer friends: Did you empathize or resonate very personally with people of the Queer Community during your own adolescence or young adulthood? Are some of these people your closest friends?
Have you defended their rights (your Queer friends) openly to those who feel they have none? Have you done this because of your love and/or closeness to them? Does it make you feel good/happy/proud to do so at anytime?
Do you ask your gay friends advice on how to dress? Do you copy how they dress? Does it make you feel cool to copy how they dress? Do they get mad when you copy how they dress? Do you feel bad when they get mad when you copy how they dress? When you’re not around them, do you secretly still do it?
Answer this last question honestly: Have you ever simply conformed to a subculture’s deliberate ideal to live outside of a mass ideal? And if so, have you done that to feel more comfortable in your own skin?
If you’ve answered more than half of the questions above with a YES, then you are indeed: (press the button below)
TEST SUMMARY
Still unsure?
There is an awesome piece of research on this topic out there on the Internets written by a science-loving, much smarter person than me. I don’t like giving links because they break when smart folks move their shit (which they have every right to do), so here are the details. Remember, these types of content searches are easy. Just do the same thing you do on the incognito tabs for porn.
Research on Gay Behavioral Conformity: It’s 80+ pages and written in 2014, but it’s so informative on lots of issues that are still being researched and developing further now. Go to Google and type: Stereotype conformity in gay people and the homosexual identity development process. This thesis from UMass Amherst, written by John H. Bickford should pop up for you.
I love you all.
Happy PRIDE
~T